Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
