i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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