I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
