so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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