I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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