im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
