Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
