There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
