I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
