This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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