I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
