I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
