you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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