So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
