I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize