My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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