then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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