We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
