just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want her autograph on my taint
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
