i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
