The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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