These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
