I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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