i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
