I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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