U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
