He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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