I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
