if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
