Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
