I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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