Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
