just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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