Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
