On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
