I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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