What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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