i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
