I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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