What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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