If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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