she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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