I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
