The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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