mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
