I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
