in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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