Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
