Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
