he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
