hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
