positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Text me some of your sweat
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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