Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i now understand why vodka
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
