the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
