Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
