Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
