I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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