just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He felt like a one man threesome
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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